Calamity With Cornish Pixie
by Zamnaii
Summary: Gilderoy Lockhart decides to have an expedition with Cornish Pixies. It doesn't quite go to plan!


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Calamity With Cornish Pixies

By Zamii

The tale I'm about to tell you starts one day while I was teaching a second year class at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. As I told my class they can be devilish tricky blighters and should be handled with care, and they should only be handled when there is a wizard of great stature such as myself.

There are many ways to round up the Pixies if they happen to escape from their captivity. One way is the _Peskipiksi Pesternoni _spell. But if you say it the wrong way you could get brain damage, as the words of the spells are very similar. _Peskipiksi Pesternoni _is the one you should use to get rid of them while _Brainus Damageis Happenee _is the other spell where you can get brain damage.

I will now recount one of my most fearful adventures yet where I came into contact with a Cornish pixie on holiday in the home of Cornish Pixies, the cornfields of Afghanistan (Which happens to be in Cornwall, England. Who care's if I failed Social Science back when I was a lad?).

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The sun was shining bright in the sky. I was on my world tour, signing autographed copies of my new books Break with a Banshee and Gadding with Ghouls with my enormous peacock feather quill that I usually save for autographs and book signings.

A young lady of about 23 years came up to me and gave me a lilac robe, as it was my birthday in a mere 5 days. And as you know my favourite colour _is_ lilac! I thanked her by giving her a signed photograph and autographed copies of my new books.

After several hours of thoroughly enjoyed book signings I went to my hotel room in the equivalent of the Leaky Cauldron, the Brass Telephone Pole. Inside I found an unpleasant of ravens setting off.

Deciding that I needed a good fly after a hard days night. I set off on my top-of-the-range Nimbus 2000. As you all probably know I was offered the chance of playing Quidditch for England, so they ravens weren't a match for me.

Swooping and swerving I followed the trail of the ravens and they led me to some cornfields. Inside the cornfields lay a swarm of Cornish Pixies. Abandoning the ravens I went to the swarm of Cornish Pixies.

I walked up to the Cornish Pixies as I told you before and I smiled. You know that smile that has got me the _Witch Weekly _most charming smile award 5 times in a row. The where dead impressed and took me into their home.

Now if you've never been inside a Cornish Pixies home then you're really missing out on something. Inside their home are the loveliest peacocks ever and once through the maze like structure you're through the portal and in the land of the Cornish pixie. And believe me, and I'm sure you will, the land of the Cornish pixie _is _beautiful!

But something happened. The Cornish Pixies kidnapped me. They don't look that strong, but honestly they were the hardest to combat of all the creatures I've come in combat with. And remember that I've come in contact with banshees and _even _werewolves! But, those stories are all different stories.

I struggled against the strength of the Cornish Pixies. I smiled my smile and I thought they might possibly relent from the torture they where about to perform on me. But I should have known better with a pixie like them. That I shouldn't have loved everything that they do.

But I got past them taking a leaf out of Harry Potter's book. I was in severe pain but I managed to bring my hands up to their faces and they crumpled into dust. Harry Potter had done it a mere year and a half earlier, killing He Who Must Not Be Named.

Harry Potter saved our world yet again from the peril that would have come after He Who Must Not Be Named once he had gotten the Philosophers Stone that would have given the He Who Must Not Be Named as much gold and life as he wanted. So in other terms Harry Potter saved our world from peril that would last forever.

I escaped with my life. I looked for my broom but it wasn't there! So I had to show my skill in being from Liverpool. Home of the riff raff. Home of fights on each and every street. And more importantly, home of the people's team. Everton Football Club.

I had to fight my way out. It would be desperately hard as well. There where tens of thousands of Cornish Pixies. I killed one pixie, but then in its place came two more pixies.

But I kept my wit. I didn't panic and I managed to transform into my animagi form. A toffee. I blended in perfectly with the ground. I escaped walking away without the pixies noticing. Not that that was hard. Cornish Pixies are smart but they're not as smart as me. Well of course they aren't.

But I took the Cornish Pixies as some pretty stupid creatures. The Cornish Pixies had a dog. And as all of us who have read _Magical Me _(available at all good book stores) know dogs love to eat toffees.

I went through the dog's body like food going into the intestines. In fact that is what happened! Swimming against the tide that was the dog's saliva I managed to reach the tonsils.

Holding onto the tonsils I climbed up and got into the mouth. Trouble was that I could tell that the dog who's insides I was in, was asleep! I knew I had to get to the dogs brain. I followed passage way and eventually I came to his brain.

I flicked a switch and the dog started barking. I knew I must have flicked the right switch then and climbed back to the mouth. The dog had stopped barking. That was a good sign. But then a gust of wind came up the dog's throat.

I shot out of the dog's mouth like a bludger from its cage. I must have flew along way. I know this because I was right where I started. Back with the Cornish Pixies. The sudden change of speed must have changed me back into human form as well since I was now being tied to a tree.

I was back with the Cornish Pixies. But not for long if I could help it. Remembering back to my days back at Hogwarts where I was Head Boy, Quidditch captain and the top of the class. I realised that if I acted like a rabbit the Cornish Pixies would release me as they love the rabbits.

As ludicrous as it sounds it worked. The Cornish Pixies showered me with gifts. But that wasn't anything new. I'm always getting showered with gifts and praise because of my great looks, bravery and modesty. For any young person I'm the perfect role model.

Well another of my brave, great and frightfully exciting tales has ended.

But don't despair. I'll be back soon with another brilliant adventure in a few weeks.

Love,

Gilderoy Lockhart

Gilderoy Lockhart

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The End.

A/N: Don't own it. Next part can be found here!


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